call the wahmbulance

sarah found b’s diary from. 2005 and it was stupidly amusing bc she knew even then that our uncle was a fucking flake, and also there was a thing abt how she wanted to run away but her “conscious” always stopped her and that’s so amusing to me bc it’s so typical her. like ik things were shit for her and they still are but she would never do something dumb like try to run away or kill herself bc that would be weak and whatever and she feels so responsible abt everything which is good but also unfair for her idk

im so tired of my friends and family making me out to be a bad person. like if i’m so terrible stop being around me??? do i seek you out or do you come to me??? if you don’t like me, don’t fucking speak to me??? like please chill i dont have time for your whining

every movie/show/story/fic/whathaveyous lately that i’ve read/watched have had something to do w drugs/addiction and it’s really stressful and like i’m (usually) not seeking this out, like it just happens and the more often it happens, the more i want to seek it out on purpose and it’s just ??? like im trying to chill but i just miss it so much. like i just wanna have one more go and then i’ll officially and stop and it’s this kind of stupid childish reasoning that let’s me believe it’ll be ok to steal from k, like ik in my head it’s not, but if I tell myself it’s just for this one last time and it’s so i can quit for good then it doesn’t seem so bad??

re this post: http://thebarbershopquartet.tumblr.com/post/97851236644/bangingpatchouli-sillierthanasillylaugh
a lot of this reflects the difference between b and i and our relationship w our parents and i’m not trying to argue abt who has it worse re sam and dean or me and b, but like the power dynamics are really frustrating? because while yes, both of them are abused by john’s shitty parenting style, dean has the power and sort of… idk credibility? which i think has a lot to do w their ideologies being similar and the fact that he’s the first born, which is true of b in our house, but like that also puts him under more stress because he has to be responsible for both sam and john, and it’s incredibly awful to have to play parent to your abusive caretaker because ik b feels responsible and a sense of duty or whatever to stick around which is obviously true of dean as well whereas sam and i refuse to stick around for that because we have no power? idk i cant explain it right but like dean has some sort of footing w john, not equal, but he gets to have choices, (whether they’re actually made out of free will or some misplaced sense of responsibility and desire to please john is a completely different conversation), but the point is, he is a person in john’s eyes which is funny because dean is the soldier and sam is the rebel so you think it would be reversed, but idk, sam is constantly dehumanized in a way imo? like he’s treated the way some parents who think they own their children treat them, and he’s treated that way by both john and dean, and i think that’s true of my household as well so idk it’s always super irritating to me when my desire to run away/kms is treated as me being childish and irresponsible because you’ve literally left me w no other choice so ??? idk idk

the last time i had hydrocodone was feb 9th, a little over seven months ago, and the last time i abused any kind of medication was august 28th and im so //!!!// for something more right now and spencer helps but also doesn’t bc i want to have one last hurrah before i start collecting chips and i just. literally the only thing stopping me rn is the fact that i’d have to steal from kristine’s mom and that’s something i would really rather not do, but i also probably would do idk idK like i told kristine that i have to talk myself down everyday which is so dumb and embarrassing and so if i did steal them, and her mom noticed, kristine would know w:o a doubt that it was me and i just !!! i want to be better theN that. i have to keep reminding myself im supposed to protect her, not steal from her but it’s so so difficult

you are literally such an asshole. i cant wait for you to choke and die

a lot of times when i say i’m over things i am actually not over it. i’ve just decided to stop crying abt it but i still feel like shit abt it, but i am decidedly over you and it’s such a good feeling. like ik it sounds bad? but it’s not. like it’s such a positive feeling to actually have this thing resolved rather than repressed and being angry and bitter abt it and having it flare up every other month. like finally getting over you has given me so many positive feelings abt you which is ironic bc i dont love you that way anymore. i’d like to think i love you in a better way now.

i forgot it was jocelyn’s birthday today

spencer reid is fucking me up like i did not expect it to be this bad. i had a dream ln that i od’ed and like ik how easy it would be? like ik now where i can get drugs from and it’s so stressful to constantly remind myself not to do that. idk idk fuck

how am i supposed to help anyone when i can’t even deal w fictional stories abt abuse

seoulnim